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Capchered Agane by Neil Faulkner

Capchered Agane
by
Neil Faulkner


Worst thing that happen when you go on Dangerus Misshun is you get capchered. Oh no you sa there are worse things surely like geting killed losing a limm or sufering mental angiush of losing a grate freind. Well my dear the first two are occupashonul hazerds to be sure but third do not figger in mind of hartless uncaring whizzo computer feend. I tell Blake Vila Jenna ect that it is not nesecarry to be irrashunal to sho that you care or to sho it at all but that is just cunning scheem to make them think I do care deep down I just dont sho it. I might make excepshun for Zen but he never come down to planet with us and good thing too I sa he is rather heavy. (Being computer feend I would probly be the one to hav to carry him chiz chiz.)

Geting capchered happen all the time one soon learn to spot warning sines. All gards are wets and weeds and fale to see you when you hide behind small matchbox. Sekurity droid never hit you just set sceenery on fire. Troopers garding Sekrit Weapon room never see you either and fall down when you tap them litely on sholder. Blake I sa its a trap they kno weer coming but he never lissen he just think his latest rade for freedom go acording to plan. Next I try Cally apealing to her sublime alein wisdum but she just sa a man who trust can never be betraid. Lucky oik I think but wot about the man who trust nobody the alein sage hav nothing to sa about him.

Then it hapen. Enter Sekrit Weapon room and sudenly fifty million troopers apear from nowhere at their head is Travis he is our sworen enemy. He hav one arm one eye and think he is something speshul becaus he hav deadly laser gun in his finger which he point all over the place but hardly ever fire (the batteris are oh so expensiv you kno).

TRAVIS: So Blake we meet again.

He is very good at saing this he hav had a lot of praktiss.

Blake sa nothing he hav run out of original riposts by now.

TRAVIS: I look forward to exekuting you in a maner more hidious than you can ever imagin. (All this time he hav sneer on his face he look like skool dog who hav just seen a cat in the herbasious borders. Also his glo of triumf is waisted we hav had plenty of time to think of all the ways he can kill us eg zap us fry us starv us make us eat prunes give us endless Lat exercises or feed us to hungry decimas.)

BLAKE: (Defiant to the very end why do he bother?) Maybe Travis but I can still compleet what I came here to do.

He lunge for top sekrit weapon and dashs it to floor. Travis only luagh.

TRAVIS: Yor puny efforts are waisted Blake that is no top sekrit weapon it is a fake to lur you here.

This do not surprise me, top sekrit weapon look like it made from two sandwidge toasters and Airfix Lancaster Bommer kit but then I fear so do the reel ones.

Travis hav no brane he do not shoot us dead on spot or even tuough us up but send us to cells where we langwish and ponder our fete. This giv us time to plan our escape eg get Cally to tellipath Liberatar so J and V can come down and rescue us. This take time becaus 700 pursiut ships hav sudenly chosen this planet for fleet traning ex and Liberatar hav to hide. Traning go on for hours, huphuphup go lead pursiut ship nozecones out fins strate and no wobling at the back there. Wot do you mean you cant make TD 10 yore in Gal 8th Fleet now this is no place for cissies. Meenwhile I hav a visiter.

Cell door open, swish of satiny fabrik musky perfum jingle-jangle of expensiv jewlry. No it is not Travis off-duty it is Servalan. I kno wot I want to sa to her, ''Servalan, you may be Supreem Comannder of awsome Federashun militry mashine but you hav a face like a squished tomato and kno naught about algy geom calc log ect'' but somehow words fale to come out. First thing is she do not need to kno about algy geom ect she hav loyal sientists to do her prep tho she must be runing out of them by now. Second thing her face is not like squished tomato at all she is in fact extreemly baeutiful chiz.

''Avon'' she sa (just to let me kno that she remember my name I supose tho maybe she think I forget it and need reminding. This is not imposibble, living cheek by jowel with Blake can do strange things to yor memery.)

''Servalan'' I sa back (its a ritual we hav just aksept it for wot it is.)

Servalan look at me with dark hipnotik eyes. Her voice is a pur and she move like a cat honestly its a good thing I dont have a newspaper or she sit on it just as I get to the foopball pages. She is skiled in the use of her hem-hem allure and suptle feminine weils, even I who normaly stand loftly above such base depravities cannot wholy resist her Mater Harry aproach.

''Avon'' she sa ''I need a whizzo computer feend to rule the galaxy with me Ill split it 60-40 with you wot do you sa?''

I think of Blake and his determind crusad against evil, of Jenna and her baeuty, Callys elfin alein grace, Vilas resulot humuour in the face of adversity, Gan and his implacible gentulness, and consider them all befor I make a decishion.

''Make it 50-50 and yore on''.

At this point she rip off her filmy ballgown and ofer her body to my unrestraned carnul lusts or at least she mite if cell dont explode with white lite. Blake and others are heer all with guns and Travis is theyr prisoner. Pursiut ships hav huphuphupped to next sektor and Libaratar has returned to live up to its name for once. ''Dont worry Avon'' sa Vila ''were heer to rescue you.''

''Blake'' I sa ''we hav Servalan and Travis in our cluches. Why dont we kill them now so they cant capcher us ever agane?''

Blake do not like this idea. ''No Avon'' he sa ''we cannot do that if we do then we are no beter than they are.''

This do not make sense to me. These two are rich and famous and hav loyal backing of most powerful rayjeem in all of hist wot could be beter than that? But Blake is adamnant as always and I hav to humuour him so we teleport back to ship cheers cheers to resum our daring advenchers in space leeving S and T behind until we meet them agane next week. Reely its enuff to make you want to leeve this revolushonary lark and setle down with a good woman maybe hav a steady job raze a family and CHIZ CURSES WOT AM I SAING?

Cue end creds and why do my name come after Jennas she dont sa half as much as I do.

***


Originally published on Lysator and in Star Four. Reproduced here with permission of the author, cheers cheers.
Illustration by Andrew Williams, based on original by Ronald Searle


All original fan fiction hosted on Horizon is copyright to the individual authors. No attempt is being made to supersede any copyright held by the estate of Terry Nation, the BBC, B7 Media, Big Finish or any other licensees or holders of copyright on Blake's 7 material.

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