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Current Poll

Who is your Favourite Guest Rebel?

Avalon - (Project Avalon)
Avalon - (Project Avalon)
18% [17 Votes]

Selma - (Horizon)
Selma - (Horizon)
5% [5 Votes]

Tyce - (Bounty)
Tyce - (Bounty)
14% [14 Votes]

Norm One - (Redemption)
Norm One - (Redemption)
2% [2 Votes]

Bek - (Shadow)
Bek - (Shadow)
7% [7 Votes]

Kasabi - (Pressure Point)
Kasabi - (Pressure Point)
19% [18 Votes]

Hal Mellanby - (Aftermath)
Hal Mellanby - (Aftermath)
14% [14 Votes]

Hunda - (Traitor)
Hunda - (Traitor)
5% [5 Votes]

Deva - (Blake)
Deva - (Blake)
9% [9 Votes]

Other
Other
6% [6 Votes]

Votes: 97
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Started: 09 July 2016

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How to be Topp on the Liberatar by Neil Faulkner

How to be Topp on the Liberatar

by
Neil Faulkner


This is me eg Ker Avon superwhizzo computer-feend of the Liberatar which is the spaceship I am on. Here I wish to shair with you some of the prescious nuggets of wisdom hem-hem I hav gleened from working with a fanatic revolushonary.

THE DANGERUS MISSHUN
Every so oft Blake hav this grate idea to steal sipha machine/sekrit weapon ect from Evil Federashun. Here is how it go.

Arrive in orbit around planet no one hav heard of before. Blake hav made all think without aksherly saing so that we are going to Pleasher Planet with BEER and GURLS cheers cheers but no it is yet another Dangerus Misshun chiz. We hav so many of these, sometimes my dear it seem they come by every week. By right we should all be dead 52 times over by now but Blake seem determined to push our luck to the Outer Limits (pun).

BLAKE: Right crew lissen carefully put away your gurly magazeen Vila and Jenna stop panting yor nales. We hav to steal Top Sekrit Federashun Weapon from base on this planet so we teleport to here, march through swamp infested with fire-breathing alein crocodiles swim across lava field cut through elektrified fence give sossages to feroshus guard dogs ...

At this point I choose to intervene:

KER AVON (me): Ohblakeohblakeohblakeohblakeohblake!

Blake ignore me he hav thort up this plan weeks ago and nothing will stop him.

BLAKE: ... kill six hundred deadly traned troopers to ensure we get element of surprize.

KER AVON: OHBLAKEOHBLAKEOHBLAKEOHBLAKEOHBLAKE!!

BLAKE: Yes wot is it Avon?

KER AVON: Blake why don't we teleport strate into base and steal sekrit weapon Blake when everyone is asleep Blake then we leave planet before they even know we hav been there?

Blake regard me with furrowed brow this idea hav never ocurred to him.

BLAKE: (thinking hard this do not come easily to his rebel brane) No Avon we cannot do it that way it only take up 48.6 secs and we hav nearly fifty minutes to fill. Wot do we do for rest of ep?

At this point I pla my trump card (a trick I learn from Vila tho I do not admit since he is one whom (grammar) I profes to despise).

KER AVON: But surely, Blake, by submiting to the demands of standardised televisual format, you are betraing yore comitment to revolushun and condonning insidius system that washes the branes of peeple you clame to be liberating.

BLAKE: Good greef, Avon, yore rite, I never see it that way before. I hav even better idea we do not go to planet at all we confound ordience expectrations and hide in middel of galaxy for rest of series.

OMNES: Heer heer, well done Avon, good one oh stalwart chap ect.

Of corse it never happen like that we go to planet and do everything Blake sa, get shot at capchered torchered dangled over tank of viscious pirarnas ect. But that is a revolushonarys life for you my dear so hie-diddle-ee-dee and pass the shadow.

If innosunt viewers know wot reelly go on abord Liberatar they rite to Federashun begging to hav us banned.

***

Originally published on Lysator and in Star Four. Reproduced here with permission of the author, cheers cheers.
Illustration by Andrew Williams, based on original by Ronald Searle


All original fan fiction hosted on Horizon is copyright to the individual authors. No attempt is being made to supersede any copyright held by the estate of Terry Nation, the BBC, B7 Media, Big Finish or any other licensees or holders of copyright on Blake's 7 material.

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